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Advice for Husbands (part 4)

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balanceMaintaining the balance between parents and wife:

  1. Fulfill the rights of your parents as well as your wife.
  2. Serving your parents is YOUR responsibility. Out of love a wife will generally assist in this duty. However do not impose anything on her.
  3. Do not disrespect your parents for anything, especially because of any issue with your wife.
  4. Totally refrain from carrying tales or relaying any comments and remarks from either side to the other. You will only make your life a misery.
  5. In any issue be totally impartial but never be disrespectful.
  6. Issues between one’s wife and parents can sometimes become complicated. It is best to take advice from an experienced ‘Aalim in such matters.

Dealing with problems:

  1. Misunderstandings and minor differences should not be suppressed. Rather discuss them in an amicable manner, or else this could ultimately lead to a broken marriage (Allah Ta’ala save us).
  2. Learn to communicate constructively. Make a resolution that at the time of a problem you would sit down with her and discuss your problems in a dignified manner, without raising voices or being abusive; or you will seek advice from someone you both can confide in.
  3. You cannot choose not to communicate. Even your silence and body language can send important messages and they may be misinterpreted and could cause more harm.
  4. Don't ever argue in public or in front of the children as this can affect the children psychologically and could prove detrimental to the marriage.
  5. Never discuss a problem in the state of anger. Calm down first.
  6. In a serious conflict, call in arbitrators from both sides and let the matter be solved amicably.
  7. Learn to admit your mistake as this is a sign of humility. Do not attempt to justify your mistakes with lame excuses.
  8. Exercise patience. Never make hasty decisions which you will regret later. "Allah is with those who exercise patience" (Al-Baqarah v153).
  9. Rasulullah (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) said: "The most detestable of lawful things to Allah Ta’ala is talaaq (divorce)” (Abu Dawood #2178). Don't abuse this responsibility of issuing talaaq, given to you by Allah Ta’ala. Talaaq has been allowed as a last resort after all avenues of reconciliation have been exhausted, the marriage has totally broken down and there is no other way out.
  10. Don't react violently by meeting out injustice and cruelty upon her with verbal and physical abuse. Never take her curse. Don't become an oppressor, a tyrant, and a blackmailer. Unfortunately, many of our sisters bear untold misery and suffer in silence, day in and day out for years on end, having none to turn to besides Allah Ta’ala. Remember O’ husband, when that lonely, broken heart cannot tolerate anymore injustice and those hands rise up complaining to none other than Allah Ta’ala, then be rest assured that her tears and pain will not go unanswered. Rasulullah (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) said: "Beware of the curse of the oppressed person, since there is no veil between it and Allah Ta’ala” (Bukhari #1496). Allah Ta’ala says to the oppressed person: “I will assist you, even though it may be after some time” (Tirmizi #3598).

REMEMBER, that your wife has made the great sacrifice of leaving the confines of her parent's home and her near and dear ones to come and spend the rest of her life with you. This she does with great hopes and expectations. Do not destroy them. Fulfill all these requisites which you have made binding on yourself through marriage. Appreciate and value these sacrifices. Allah Ta’ala will surely reward you in this world and the hereafter.

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